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8:50 AM

Thursday, January 12, 2006

my question:
if a woman initiates sex shortly after meeting, why is she considered a ho? why can't she be viewed as someone who knows what she wants out of life, and isn't afraid to execute her plan?

a male coworker and i were conversating about an affair he had with another coworker. in his discussion, he mentioned that she was 'scandalous' because she elected to have sex with him 3 days after their affair began.

i don't know about other females, but this one is not on a daily crusade to find her soulmate.

i don't consider myself to be ho-ish, but my initial encounters do not revolve around unrealistic fantasies. call me shallow, but my initial attraction is purely physical. every guy i meet will not qualify as a future boyfriend/husband, so i don't see the point in pegging or treating each guy i meet as 'the one.' not saying that i go around having random sex, but i have chosen to follow through on a couple of physical endeavors. guys do it ALL the time, so why can't i indulge myself every now and again?

7:06 AM

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Finding out about my pregnancy was probably the most difficult news I've ever had to deal with. There was so much of my life that was still under construction, and I was not prepared for what was about to happen.
for the first six or seven months, I went through a mild form of depression. The first three months were the hardest (I cried every single day). Most of it was hormonal, some was a result of poor decision making, but a lot was due to the absence of my baby father's support.
I always thought that if I were to ever become pregnant that I would be married or at least in a stable relationship. At the time I found out, my baby's father and I weren't on good terms making that first conversation the hardest conversation I've ever had.
initially, my plan was to not tell him at all. Unfortunately, there was already speculation. Although we weren't on good terms, we still maintained a somewhat cordial relationship. During one of our more cordial moments, he asked if I was pregnant. At the time I was not 100% sure, so my answer was no. Two days later, I took the test.

flashback to November 28, 2004:
I knew before my five minutes were up. The little pink line started to show within the first 30 seconds...I was so pregnant! I remember sitting on my bed and staring at myself in the mirror. "what the f@#k have I gotten myself into?! I mean could you have really been that stupid?! Your mamma's going to kill you!!"

Before telling him, I prepared myself for every possible scenario, but there was a BIG difference between thinking about what he'd say and actually hearing him say it. I had never experienced so many different emotions at one time. I honestly believe that if he was standing in front of me, I'd have killed him (or at least attempted to). Over time things between us settled down, but I have to yet to really let go of the emotional baggage associated with that first call.
FYI-at the time I made my announcement, he was making plans to transfer to another school (not because I was pregnant, he'd made these plans before either of us suspected). This meant that I was basically going to experience this pregnancy alone.
Aside from depression, I was also in denial. Some days I would actually forget that I was pregnant (of course I wasn't showing at the time). I'm also ashamed to admit that there were even days when I hoped something bad would happen. Pregnancy was not the best experience for me, but in the end...It was all worth it.

I stopped viewing my pregnancy as a curse, and saw it for what it was...A blessing. I never planned on becoming someone's mother, but I've learned that our plans don't always follow their intended paths. It's not because we failed to execute, but because it wasn't in His plans for us. Before my son, I took certain aspects of my life for granted. Now that he's here, I've grown to appreciate all aspects of my life. He's my motivation and my strength. I can't imagine my life without him.

10:37 AM

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Questions to Answer
1. If you were to name the one choice that you'd never want to make again, what would it be?

filling out my first credit card application

2. If you had to eliminate one form of weather, what would it be?

hard rain

3. If you could gain back all the hours you've spent doing a certain thing what would it be?

i have no regrets. every hour of my life though good or bad has taught me more about myself. even if i could gain them back, i wouldn't want to.

4. If you could forget one thing what would it be?

i have a short term memory, so i automatically forget.

5. If you could go back to one place you've been in your life, where would you go?

physically: as many times as i've been there, i have yet to experience atlanta the way some of my friends have

mentally: childhood

6. If you could remove the ability to hate from one person in the world today who would it be?

George Bush

7. If you were to be the opposite sex for a single day what would you do?

i'm gonna make it do what it do

7:08 AM

at some point, you will experience a relationship that will have a profound affect on their mental stability. many of you have already experienced this type of relationship, some of you are currently in this type of relationship, and for the few who don't know what the hell i'm talking about...just wait.

i have a story to tell, but first i need to explain how my mind functions in relationships:

i've had two serious boyfriends, and they were both in high school (which was 6 six years ago). from what i understand, they no longer qualify. since high school, i've maintained a safe distance from serious relationships. i have a slight fear of commitment which makes me a poor candidate for a serious companion. of course being a free agent for almost 7 years, makes the concept of settling down a little hard for me to grasp.

due to my fear, i don't believe in titles. you don't have to call me your girlfriend. i'm perfectly content being your friend. that way neither of us feels obligated (especially me). i like the freedom of being able to do what i want, when i want, and with whom i want to do it with.

this doesn't mean that i'm always out in the streets or always looking for someone better. it just means that i like to be able to make my own decisions without the bs from my significant other.

here's my story:

maybe it's because we spent alot of time around each other, but whatever it was made it very diffcult for us to maintain a stable situation. it really started with his depressing story regarding a previous relationship, and his inability to decide whether or not he wanted to move forward with me or move backwards with her. this dilemna within itself predicted the future of our relationship (or as i like to call it...situation). i should've immediately removed myself, but everyone is entitled to make a mistake. instead of walking away, i put forth the effort to 'make things work'. to make a long story (extremely long) short-we both had individual issues that when combined had an explosive effect on our temperments. i didn't feel as if i was obligated to spend all of my time with him especially when we would spend weeks not talking to each other. it's not my fault that during his 'i have too many issues' episodes, i decided to enjoy other people's company. he can't get mad because while he was deciding whether or not he wanted me or his ex, i was having the time of my life with a nice young man from canada.

unfortunately, the blame cannot totally rest upon his shoulders, because i intentionally did certain things just to piss him off. like completely ignore him whenever he wanted to have a serious conversation about us, or i'd act as if i was oblivious to the fact that we were having issues. my old roommate often said that i had a guy's mentality. in many of my situations the roles were reversed-the guy always nagged about our troubles and all i wanted was for him to shut up so i could watch the game.

wow! this turned out to be a little more than i expected. i might have to make this a series. i couldn't possibly tell you everything in one entry. i'll tell the rest later.

7:47 AM

Monday, January 09, 2006

for the past 24 years, my mom has been my biggest support system. i value my relationship with her because we've always been able to communicate. lately, we've been having some difficulty getting along...well agreeing on certain issues. i love my mom and i know that if i ever needed someone to talk to, she's there. however, there are certain things that i don't feel that i want to discuss with her. not that she doesn't know anything or that she won't be understanding, it's just that i choose not to discuss it. there are certain aspects of my life that i would rather keep to myself or share amongst others who are going thru the same experience. see my mother has a tendancy to take certain conversations out of context, or become too 'excited'. to avoid argument, i just remain silent or try to change the subject. these conversations normally illustrate just how different and sometimes alike we are. when we agree on something, the converstaions run smoothly, but the moment we disagree... it can become very unattractive.
i want her to understand that there are certain issues that i would rather not talk about with her, but deal with them on my own (she has a bad case if interference). i know that she loves me and all of her actions are truly out of love and concern, but i feel that there are certain issues that i have to go through without having to run to my mother for guidance. it's good to know that she's there, but sometimes that's as far as i'd like for it to go.