There are certain times when I wish I was 5 again. I'll be 23 next month and I'm struggling with the idea. It's not because I'm afraid of getting older, but it's because I'm not sure if I like the direction my life is headed. For the past 6 months, I've had this strong feeling that I'm not where I should be. The previous post mentioned my pending major change. I've been in school for about 4 years now, and I'm not happy. I tried explaining this to my mom, but she believes I'm burned out. At first I was all for her diagnosis, but now I know that I really don't like what I'm doing.
You know how churches place sayings on signs outside of the church? Well the church up the street from me posted a saying that really hit home with me. It was something along the lines of "Your destiny is determined by your passion." When I read it, I felt as if they posted it for me. After reading the saying, I was reminded of a line from Sister Act II. For those that have seen the movie, Whoopi was trying to get Lauryn Hill to join the school choir, and she referenced a book she had read about an aspiring writer. In the book the author stated that "If you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about is writing then that's what you should be doing." If you exchange the word 'writing' with the word singing, then you have me. Before leaving high school, I wanted to major in music. I wanted to be a well rounded musician. I wanted to learn the piano, the guitar, strings, and take a few classes on vocal training. Of course I didn't fall through with my decision and now I'm stuck in a place that I honestly believe is not for me. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was realize that this is one obstacle that I cannot overcome, and it's not because I'm not smart enough because I am able to do it, but it's because it is NOT what I want to do.
For the past 4 years, I've been forcing myself to survive in Engineering and it has finally taken it's toll on me. I'm mentally and sometimes physically tired. When I think about going to class or if I drive past Engineering Row, I get this weird and uneasy feeling. I've put so much of my time into this and I'm afraid of letting it go, but it's making me miserable.